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|Tuesday, March 16th, 2010|
|Friday, May 5th, 2006|
Name: Jonathan David Martin
School: Chaska High School
Year in School: 12
School Achievements You Wouldn’t Be Embarrassed If We Mentioned: Managed to avoid truancy so far
Fictional Or Historical Character You’d Like To Trade Places With For A Day: Daisy Buchanan
What You Want To Be When You Grow Up: Fountain Drink Connoisseur, or a Chinese Ninja Warrior
Best Video Game Ever: Point Blank 3
Hobbies You Would Never Admit To Strangers: Writing Digimon/Yu-Gi-Oh crossover fanfiction, Digimon LARPing, Digimon cosplay, Jodie Foster film collection
Favorite Quiz Bowl Moment: The MoMA moment
What are your specialties in Quiz Bowl? 80s movies starring Dolly Parton and Jane Fonda
What’s the “most wrong” answer you’ve ever given in quiz bowl? “Ayn Rand”
Worst Grade (And Subject) In Your K-12 Career: C-: Creative Drama
Favorite --Or At Least Most Memorable-- Athletic Achievement: I don’t think anyone has barfed more after gym than I have
Longest Word You’re Sure You Know How To Spell: fetid
Except for Face Off Minnesota, Favorite TV Show: Full House
|Thursday, April 27th, 2006|
Much like a centipede, I teemed with anticipation for tacos as I writhed my way down the road. I could first peer at it from the vantage at the junction of Highway 5 and Powers: The Bell
. It was befitting to the moment that Ace of Base blared from my crappy car speakers. For indeed I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes: “DRIVE THRU OPEN”, mocking me with its unlit nature. I would be living without tacos for at least nine more hours.
In some ways, I knew they would be closed. How else could “Blooming 18” have directly followed “The Sign” on the playlist to which I was listening? Taco Bell’s early closure was burned into the CD, and the music’s emanation from my speakers only amplified my depression. “Blooming 18” dragged me into a dismal reality.
The morose situation slowly sent my brain into action. “This is depressing,” I mused. “Dave Thomas is dead, that is also depressing.” This birthed a neural pantheon – a frenzy of brain activity. Wendy’s would be a perfect Taco Bell substitute.
I peeled out of Taco Bell’s parking lot. The city was deserted, so I abandoned my normally fastidious driving practices. Racing past the then-closed Subway, I could smell the crackling grease waiting to satiate my late-night hunger.
My nerves calmed upon entering the shopping complex, where Wendy’s sat stranded on an asphalt island. I sailed my way up to the order box, contemplating the quantity of my order. “Uhhh…Three medium Frosties, a spicy chicken sandwich and a large Coke, please.” The frequent practice has left me droning these oft-spoken lines to the friendly clerk. I flew past the first drive through window; my credit card piloted a record-breaking round trip between me and the cashier. I halted at the second window.
The order of three medium Frosties always resulted in second-window lag. I dragged through reality, waiting for the portly manager to hand me a drink tray filled with trophies. The window cracked, and I cracked mine.
“Here you go…” she stated.
“Thanks.” I replied.
“See you later!” she added.
“…see you later?
I didn’t actually say this audibly, but I realized that I had become that guy. She’s seen me enough times. That guy.
He orders a lot of Frosties. It struck remorse in me that I had become a “that guy”. Considering that I trot the fast food globe, to become a “that guy” at any of my frequented establishments is disturbing.
I peeled out with the food.
|Thursday, April 6th, 2006|
|Sunday, April 2nd, 2006|
|Balls on money? We've got loads
+$294.94 coming in
-$17.00 cost of games
-$8.00 paypal fees
-$14.80 ebay fees
16 Point Blank 3s remaining
|Monday, March 20th, 2006|
She's the Man is an awesome movie and I won free stuff. Best day ever? I think so!
|Saturday, March 18th, 2006|
It's breakfast time (Spoon: what), breakfast time
breakfast time, (Fork: yeah) breakfast time
breakfast time, (Fork and Spoon: who) breakfast time
Come and get your breakfast on!
Now eat it! uh-uh eat it!
Now chew it up! Ch-ch-chew it up!
Ya need it! Na-na-need it!
Fork and Spoon:
To fuse you up fuse you up fuse you up fuse you up!
Breakfast time yeah breakfast time feed your body feed your mind
Makes your muscles big and strong keeps you going all day long
Waffles and blueberries
Granola and raspberries
Cheese and grapes
Fruit and yogurt parfait
Whole wheat toast and OJ
English muffin pizza
Sausage egg in pita
French toast squares
Apples and pears
Cereal and milk
Cereal and milk
Cereal and milk
Cereal and milk
Don't forget about (Fork and Spoon: breakfast time)
Don't forget about (Fork and Spoon: breakfast time)
Don't forget about (Fork and Spoon: breakfast time)
Don't forget about (Fork and Spoon: breakfast time)
Now eat it!
|Saturday, March 11th, 2006|
|Money money money
Point Blank 3 is one of the most useful games on the PSX system.
+$144.50 coming in
-$17.00 cost of games
-$15.00 shipping cost
-$5.50 packaging cost
-$12.00 paypal/ebay fees (pretty close estimate)
And I still have 23 non-cracked-case copies and 1 with a small crack in the case
It's halfway to being more profitable than Suikoden II (the time taken for the Suikoden II investment to mature puts the Point Blank 3 venture far ahead, however)
|Saturday, March 4th, 2006|
|Second Chance offers rule
I sold two more copies of Point Blank 3, one for $18.03 and one for $11.89
That's $48.45, plus $15 for shipping, plus $10 for the other one I sold:
-$17.00 cost of games
-$4.00 x 4, roughly cost of bubble envelope and shipping
$40.45 profit, and I still have 28 copies of the game left
|Monday, January 23rd, 2006|
Greetings PlanetGameCube, Jonathan Martin here (better known as mdm, 18/m/MN) seeking 5/website/Interwebland for writing position.
I pretty much meet all the requirements for your position. I have no experience, I devote my time to specified tasks, I motivate myself because I am oblivious to those around me, I have a lot of free time on my hands because I am a loser, I am on AIM constantly and possess an email address (two, even. And I have a cell phone!), I'm as mature as any of Nintendo's products (especially The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess), I am proficient in the English language, and can communicate in said language quite well.
I also understand the concept of a Pro and Con list, which you seem to like for your review format. Watch:
- Minnesotan who is neither GaimeGuy nor alexandhisteninchlink
- Owns way too many GBA, DS and Gamecube games
- Has played Nintendo games his whole life
- Unbiased, which according to Something Awful is a trait PGC seems to need
- Deaf people out of money
|Sunday, October 23rd, 2005|
Metroid Prime: The fourth game in a long-running series. It is a taint on the series, due to the fact that it is a first person shooter and unlike the previous games
The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess: An unreleased game in the long-running videogame series The Legend of Zelda. It has a horrible art style. The status of how the game plays is unknown
Nintendo: A mainstay in the videogame industry, they create videogame playing systems as well as develop games for their systems
Faris: A female pirate in the videogame Final Fantasy V. She is awesome
Shigeru Miyamoto: He created The Legend of Zelda, and is directly responsible for Metroid Prime’s shift into the first person. He thought that the first person shooter aspect would appeal to a western audience. He was right: The west is full of idiots
Rimmer: An internet superstar who is disturbingly a lot like me. I hope I don’t drop out of college like he did
Austin, TX: The significance of the city’s inclusion in my autobiography is that Retro Studios, the creators of Metroid Prime, is based there
Metroid Fusion/Metroid: Zero Mission: These Metroid games were created by Intelligent Systems after Metroid Prime released. They are two-dimensional sidescrollers and are much better than Metroid Prime
Intelligent Systems: A godly videogame development house that never releases a bad game.
Metroid Prime 2: Echoes: The sequel to Metroid Prime, it continues the horrible tradition started by Metroid Prime
First person perspective: Games set in the first person perspective are played as if through the character’s eyes that one is controlling.
Gamecube Optical Disc: The medium used for Nintendo’s home console Gamecube
Samus: The female lead of the games in the Metroid series
Louie Anderson: A large comedian
Gameplay: The unique mechanics in a game that make a game fun
Stealth: A horrible gameplay fad in which you are urged to skulk around so as to not be noticed by enemies
Platforming: A Metroid gameplay element which involves hopping from one piece of ground to another
Screw attack: A Metroid attack that allows Samus to plow her body through enemies to destroy them
Wall jumping: A Metroid gameplay mechanic that allows for greater exploration by reaching new heights in a level
Bomb-jumping: A Metroid gameplay mechanic that allows for greater exploration by reaching new heights in a level, but doesn’t require walls to conduct
Shinesparking: A Metroid gameplay element in which Samus uses her blaster gun to charge herself to attack enemies
Speed boost: A Metroid gameplay element in which Samus can hastily reach a far away place in a split second through super speed
Space jump: A Metroid gameplay element in which Samus can reach new heights by timing jumps repeatedly without walls and while not in the morph ball state
Morph Ball: A Metroid gameplay element in which Samus curls up into a ball to reach small places
Game Boy Advance: A portable Nintendo system
Gamecube: A console Nintendo system that hooks to the television to play
Nintendo DS: A portable Nintendo system
Two-dimensional: Games which are played on a plane: Old school
Three-dimensional: Games which are played in all space: New school
Electronics Entertainment Expo: An annual event in Los Angeles where upcoming games are showcased
Third person perspective: Games set in the third person are where you can see your character on the screen, as opposed to from the character’s viewpoint
Metroid Dread: The rumored two-dimensional Metroid game for the Nintendo DS handheld
Super Metroid: The definitive Metroid title, it is two-dimensional bliss
Gunpei Yokoi: The creator of the Metroid series, he died in 1996 in a car accident
Hideo Kojima: A videogame maker with an inflamed ego. He did not create the Castlevania series. He makes horrible stealth games
Belmont: One of many characters in the fantastic Castlevania series.
Castlevania: A game series in the fashion of Metroid
Civilization IV: A videogame that comes out on the day this autobiography is due. It is sure to take up a lot of my time
Xbox: A home videogame console created by Microsoft
Final Fantasy IX: One of the best games ever made, it stars Quina Quen, an awesome androgynous character with a huge tongue
Dragon Quest VIII: One of the few videogames to which I’m looking forward
Engrish: The result of Japanese people speaking English. Rs are often replaced with Ls and vice-versa.
Urkel: The star of the early 90s sitcom Family Matters. He likes cheese, science, and Laura.
Link: The protagonist of the The Legend of Zelda games
Cuccos: The colloquial term for chickens in The Legend of Zelda
Textures: What makes a game either blurry or detailed
The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker: A game in the The Legend of Zelda series which tried a drastic new art style and succeeded
The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time: A game in the The Legend of Zelda series that is mistaken for an epic such as The Iliad. What makes The Iliad not like The Ocarina of Time is that The Iliad doesn’t suck
LiveJournal: An internet blogging website inhabited by teenagers who like to write horrible poetry
Furry: A person with an unhealthy obsession with animals and anthropomorphism
The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask: A game in the The Legend of Zelda series that overcomes horrible graphics with awesome, novel gameplay experiences.
True Love: A PC game
Anze, Miss Yumi, Mikae, Kazuhiko, Remi, Arisa: Characters in True Love
Final Oxymoron VII: A fake game poking fun at the horrible videogame Final Fantasy VII
Cecil, Kain, Rydia, Rosa, Edward, Tellah, Yang, Zeromus: Characters in Final Fantasy IV
Sprite: A two-dimensional scaling model used in videogames
EXP: That which is required to mature characters in the Final Fantasy titles
Square: The creators of the Final Fantasy series
Butz, Boco, Faris, Galuf, Krile, Reina: Characters in Final Fantasy V
Five: Refers to Final Fantasy V
Six: Refers to Final Fantasy VI
Eight: Refers to Final Fantasy VIII
Kalm: A location in Final Fantasy VII
Quina Quen: A long-tongued androgynous character from Final Fantasy IX
Mogs: Moogles, an overly cutesy character type from the Final Fantasy series.
The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap: A two-dimensional game in the The Legend of Zelda series done in the art style from The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker.
Shenmue: A game for the Sega Dreamcast where you stack boxes with a forklift
Megumi: A character in Shenmue
The MJQ Jazz Bar: A location in Shenmue
The Heartbeat’s Bar: A location in Shenmue
Madden: A horrible line of football videogames
Karen: One of five potential mates in the farming simulator Harvest Moon 64
Maria: One of five potential mates in the farming simulator Harvest Moon 64
Back to Nature: Harvest Moon 64’s counterpart that is lower in quality
Dance Dance Revolution/DDR: A line of games where you dance around on a control mat to horrible songs
Medal of Honor: A horrible war-based game
Sami, Sonja, Kanbei: Three characters from the videogame Advance Wars
CO: Short for “commanding officer”, the status of the three mentioned characters in Advance Wars
Deirdre: The leader of the Gaian faction of Alpha Centauri. The Gaians are environmentalists and fight for the right of the planet
Miriam: The leader of the fundamentalist Believers faction of Alpha Centauri. The Fundamentalists come into conflict with the environmentalist Gaians
Morganites: The members of the capitalist faction of Alpha Centauri.
Zakharov: The leader of the intellectual faction of Alpha Centauri.
My life is hilariously inconsequential. I am the son of two middle class white people and I live in the suburbs of Minneapolis, Minnesota. If I were to talk about what I have done with my life, it would bore both you and me to tears. Therefore, the following is the compilation of what has consumed my mind for the period that I have been writing these five chapters, so if you’re bored to tears anyway at least I won’t be. René Descartes had it right when he said “I think, therefore I am.” I think about videogames. Nelly, I am videogames.
As of now, I’m festering deep in a jaded state towards videogames. This is the key reason why I chose to dedicate two chapters to the monstrosities known as “Metroid Prime” and “The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess”. It’s no coincidence that I became jaded around 2001, when Nintendo announced that the Metroid series was going to take a turn for the worse. The unreleased Twilight Princess signifies that little has changed, so it shouldn’t be surprising that the following is somewhat depressing. The two games and my attitude towards them define my outlook on life in general, keeping with the idea that videogames are my life.
To further accentuate this jadedness I dedicated another chapter to my compulsive videogame purchasing. In effect, the Metroid Prime and Twilight Princess chapters can be seen as the causes of my life as it is today and the videogame buying chapter as the effect.
So as to not let the reader to sink into depression, my chapter of videogame poetry is more uplifting than the other chapters, and the poems demonstrate a much lighter side to me. Consider that the common theme of many of the poems is my unhealthy affinity for female videogame characters; one who knows how much I really think about Faris from Final Fantasy V wouldn’t argue that the poems have nothing to do with my life. As much as I complain about some games, I can still occasionally find joy in them. It’s simply getting harder when garbage like Twilight Princess is on the release schedule.
|Friday, October 14th, 2005|
|breasts in your face
If the terrorists ever decide to explode a nuclear device in a major US city, I hope it detonates in Austin, TX. Specifically, they should explode it outside of Retro Studios. Retro gave birth to the worst bastardization of a series in the history of videogames: Metroid Prime. It shows a serious slip in social decency when an unfit parent like Retro Studios is allowed to mother a child as precious as Metroid without being married to a good concept design. Metroid Prime’s siblings (Metroid Fusion and Metroid: Zero Mission) have been given to the care of Intelligent Systems, a sweet couple who have been cursed with infertility. However, Retro was allowed to keep a second child, Metroid Prime 2: Echoes. Not only that, Retro is back on the streets doing coke in an alley and is likely to foster more children, while Intelligent Systems is being left in the barren Metroid dust. It’s sickening.
The worst thing about Metroid Prime is that there is no best part. Prime rhymes with crime and slime for a reason. Any sane person would rather be shot in the genitals than have to suffer ten minutes of the abomination. To think that the Metroid series should be set in the first person perspective is to think that we should kill all the Belgian and Polish people because of their funny accents. It’s simply not a viable opinion to have.
A first person perspective and platforming gameplay don’t mix. Frankly, all of Metroid Prime’s problems can be traced back to the shift to the first person perspective. In the first person, the view is stifled and controls result in a sense of not being able to have command of the game sufficiently enough for fun to be extracted from the Gamecube Optical Disc to one’s brain. The nimble Samus (the protagonist) of Super Metroid transforms into Louie Anderson for the Gamecube iteration of the series. Turning proves difficult for our heroine, and due to hilarious inadequacies in control design she needs aid when shooting anything. Even Louie Anderson can control his arms when there is food involved.
The terrible aspects of Metroid Prime aren’t confined to the controls, however. One of the most annoying gameplay “features” can be traced back to, you guessed it, the first person perspective. With the shift to first person, Retro came up with the not-so-novel idea of giving Samus special visor functions, leading to the most tedious of all gameplay additions: scanning. Scanning is the worst thing to happen to videogames since stealth. After pressing a button to lock onto something, you get to press another button to engage in the stimulating activity of waiting five seconds to learn something completely pointless. Most argue that scanning is optional, but there are many times where it is necessary and it’s horrible. Hey guys, remember when I scanned the scan boss in level scan? That was so scan! The most annoying part about scanning is that since Retro Studios had nothing to do with the series in the first place, it makes no sense for them to have anything detailed in the script. It’s analogous to a movie adaptation of a classic novel that is filled with events that weren’t in the original text. Any tidbit that comes up in the scanning result is made up by some fat idiot in Texas instead of the creators of the series, further staining the series’ integrity.
One of the arguments I love to hear about Metroid Prime is that the first person perspective adds a whole new level of immersion. Considering immersion is based in fantasy, I’m filled with murderous rage when the same people who argue for it wish for more realism in games. The Metroid games previous to Metroid Prime have been about superb level design coupled with free exploration and platforming fun. Metroid Prime’s level design is neither superb, nor free, nor fun in any respect, especially platforming. When you jump forward to a platform and wonder why you’re falling there is a serious flaw in design. I know whenever I make literal leaps of faith I make sure my head is fully movable and able to see where my feet will land, and with Samus’ tank controls it is not possible. There is nothing Metroid-like about Metroid Prime. It is merely another crappy first person shooter with a Metroid skin slapped onto it, and anyone who truly appreciates the series will recognize that.
The amount that has been taken out of Metroid Prime due to first person perspective restriction is staggering. There is no screw attack, a disturbing lack of wall jumping, and non-useful bomb jumping, all of which effectively destroy the free exploration aspect gloriously created in Super Metroid. Shinesparking, one of the most unique methods of attack in the two dimensional Metroids has also been taken out, along with its close cousin the speed boost. Not only that, but the game lacks the space jump, mostly due to the vertical restrictions associated with first person games. It was resurrected in the second Metroid Prime game, but it only came in the form of a hilariously weak double jump. The best part is they failed to fix the flawed jumping system anyway, and landing on platforms was still egregiously awkward. All that Samus retains is her arm cannon functions and her morph ball ability, which is a truly counterproductive way to go for the series. What we get in return for these losses is a variety of methods of seeing things in a stifled fashion. A simple cost-benefit analysis demonstrates incontrovertibly that the trade off of adventure-filled exploration for a heat sensing visor is the most ridiculous move in the way of game design since the decision to make three-dimensional Mario games about collecting beetles.
Nothing infuriates me more about Metroid Prime’s existence than that it is pushing its way to being the sole outlet of the series. With the first two games in the series, Nintendo was at least releasing somewhat satisfying two-dimensional Game Boy Advance Metroid games. However, with the Nintendo DS, it is now possible for first person Metroid games to invade handheld consoles. Nintendo is taking advantage of this. When the Nintendo DS system was first revealed in May of 2004, a Metroid game in the first person variety was shown with the system, and has been in development ever since. The problem is there is a substantial rumor that a two dimensional Metroid game was supposed to be revealed at the Electronics Entertainment Expo in 2005, but it never happened. There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that they are waiting for the first person atrocity to hit shelves before advancing the two dimensional project. Since the Nintendo DS is the last bastion of two-dimensional goodness it’s disheartening to think that Metroid Prime could kill any hope of another good Metroid. In a sense, supporting fake Metroid games like Metroid Prime is damaging to the possible future of sublime two dimensional Metroid games, considering that if the handheld Metroid Prime sells well there will be no reason to make more unfashionable two-dimensional games. Where before Metroid Prime and two-dimensional Metroid games could peacefully coexist there has been an invasion of territory, and unfortunately it is not in the form of a full on two dimensional console Metroid game.
Perhaps by now I should be accustomed to Metroid games with prospects being cancelled based on the success of Metroid Prime. After all, a Metroid game in the third person perspective was being developed by an experienced Nintendo development team, but the project was cancelled when Metroid Prime went on to sell over a million copies. This cancellation didn’t bother me as much, because there is no guarantee that a third person perspective Metroid would be good, but with the current situation it is infuriating that we are being deprived of information regarding the interestingly titled two-dimensional “Metroid Dread” for the Nintendo DS simply because the poorly modeled Metroid Prime game for the DS is not released yet. Surely the leaked title is “Metroid Dread” because of the Metroid Prime misery I endure with relation to the title. What should have been a spin-off has seemingly taken over the main series, and we may never see another Metroid game in the style of Super Metroid again.
If there’s an overarching theme to the madness at Nintendo as of late, it can be defined by two words: Shigeru Miyamoto. He’s the man who pushed for a first person Metroid game, due to the popularity of the first person genre in the western hemisphere. After all, why should he care about staying true to Metroid’s roots? Metroid was the late Gunpei Yokoi’s baby, and Miyamoto had nothing to do with its creation. Miyamoto’s power has been increased to a disturbing level, and he has obviously gone insane by spending too much time in the mushroom garden in his backyard. This reminds me of a recent situation in which the hack Hideo Kojima criticized Castlevania and acted as if he deserved any influence in the series. All I have to say to that is the day that I am cautiously skulking around in a castle environment as a Belmont under an orange box is the day you see the headline “Hideo Kojima dead at the age of overrated.”
|Friday, September 30th, 2005|
|plz review these 4 me
GC: Tales of Symphonia
GBA: Chu Chu Rocket, Lunar Legend, Shining Force
PS2: Silent Hill 3, Frequency, Amplitude, Skygunner
Please write reviews that are at least 30 words or more."
And give a score, integers 1-5 plz
|Dance Dance Revolution
Anime makes you fat, it seems to be
The remedy is surely DDR
“It’s from Japan, and therefore it’s for me”
Fair enough, if it lowers the weight par
The sad truth is that there are few good songs
A better soundtrack would make it more fun
But to Japanophiles there are no wrongs
Where there are few to the sane there are tons
Up, up, down, right, left, right, left, left, right, right
To the sixteenth notes the steps are attuned
Physical skill by blimps, a demanding fight
The elastic on the sweat pants is ruined
On the machine dancemat the whales are wrung
The result of such stress: A collapsed lung
|Thursday, September 29th, 2005|
What has brought you here? Oh, right, downloading from the internet
Why am I playing this? I have time on my hairless hand
Miss Yumi, your tutoring has left me deep in your debt
Mikae, sorry, I don’t like you. I think it’s all the sand
Remi, second only to Miss Yumi, what can I say?
That man and his trunk were nothing for you. Brains number one
Kazuhiko, my good friend, you’ll get over me, I pray
Sorry Mayumi, increasing “art” is by no means fun
I am not a furry, Anze, I don’t have three hands Bill
You’re out, not worth the effort, and a cat. A freaking cat.
Arisa, grow up. When going to jail the verb will be “kill”
Final Oxymoron VII sucks, the turnoff is that
Oh True Love, non-fighter matchmaking, can anyone vex?
None can argue with the options [like] [hate] [want to have sex]
|Saturday, September 17th, 2005|
Twilight Princess Makes Me Sad
To put it bluntly, I am a simple creature. Complexity annoys me, and I greatly enjoy the little things in life. For example, anything involving pirates has my immediate approval. As I write this today I can recall five non-consecutive instances in which pirates, pirate related humor and pirate discussion brought me great joy. However, my simple enjoyments are not limited to pirates. I derive an unhealthy amount of pleasure from tentacles, Engrish, Urkel, and most anything that I deem non-serious. It is with great irony that a simpleton would agonize over the non-simplicity of others, to be caused to have angst over the presence of angst, but The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess causes me much turmoil. I loathe the videogame; the makers, the supporters, the artists, the programmers, Shigeru Miyamoto, but most of all the people who think it will be good simply because it is Zelda all disgust me. To spend an entire chapter on such an arcane subject likely narrows my audience, but one who understands the Twilight Princess hate will understand me well.
The main problem with Twilight Princess is it’s far too serious for a videogame. I play videogames to escape reality and the moronic people in it, but the stupidity of the masses has leaked into my Zelda game, and I am annoyed. My grievances relating to Twilight Princess include, but are not limited to: Link (the protagonist) transforming into a wolf, terrible art direction, brown Cuccos, vast expanses of poorly textured nothing, horse battles, characters with foreheads on which one could make a dinner for three, and fog which may or may not be artistic (considering the dark, gritty nature of the style it’s probably to enhance the angst).
The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess wouldn’t have caused me such pain, had there been no existence of one of the best videogames ever: The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker. Never has there been a game quite like The Wind Waker, and what set it apart was its fantastic art style and beautiful animated style. Twilight Princess is a carbon copy of the lifeless 1998 Zelda series hit The Ocarina of Time, and it seems to me Nintendo has sold out. In a 2001 interview, Zelda creator Shigeru Miyamoto revealed that, basically, The Wind Waker was always as has he had intended Zelda to be. In May 2004, upon the unveiling of Twilight Princess, Shigeru Miyamoto appeared on a stage in a ridiculous costume showing the appalling game with Lord-of-the-Rings-esque battles in the background. Selling out hasn’t impacted me in such a way until that, and it hurt. The Wind Waker perfected visual bliss; Twilight Princess reverted to the color brown.
Brown things make me sad, except people, because I’m not racist. Surely I won’t deny that The Wind Waker never used the color brown, but at least it was beautifully animated and done without textural eyesores. The best part about The Wind Waker was that it basically had no textures, and therefore could not screw them up. I’ve never heard a complaint about the technical aspect of the game, and rightfully so. Those who complain cannot get over the fact that the game doesn’t have guns, or killing hookers, or everything else that brings unwanted attention from the media to videogames. However, it is the unfortunate truth that Nintendo has done as much as they could to appeal to the imbeciles who would find such travesties in a videogame attractive without alienating their core fan base of four-year-olds. To make Link a scowling teenager appeals to a new demographic who wouldn’t find it a waste of time to read a typical LiveJournal.
Besides the broader elements of a dark tone and poor art direction, there are many little things I’ve seen about the game that disgust me. As a person of small pleasures, small annoyances can get to me negatively. One of the most notable gameplay supplements in Twilight Princess is the transformation of Link into a wolf at certain points of the game. To some it may not seem like a problem, but I know the Nintendo demographic well, and the profile of a staunch Nintendo fan has many frightening facets. There exists a small growing niche of personality (I would deem it mental disorder) known as “furry”, which is an unhealthy obsession with anthropomorphism. If there’s a unifying theme regarding furries, it’s anime, Nintendo and Mountain Dew. Twilight Princess will only further this unhealthy trend that seemed to arise from the advent of the internet, and it is a danger to our society.
To best define the abhorrence I feel toward the game, the idea of maturity must be discussed. I continually hear from many “fans” of Zelda that we are finally getting a “mature” Zelda. There’s nothing mature about scowling. In fact, scowling is the exact opposite of mature. Scowling signifies the letting emotions to get the best of the person committing the brow furrowing. There were surely times in The Wind Waker in which the young Link furrowed his brow, but characteristically so, as he was just a boy. One wouldn’t be thrown off by an emotional young Link, but scowling is so uncharacteristically immature that it completely throws the notion of Twilight Princess being the “mature” Zelda into question. One of the most comedic screenshots showing off the game has an angsty Link, filled with generic rage charging toward the camera with a wrinkle-creating mechanism on his face. What sets this picture apart from other pictures where he is angry for no reason is there is a hilarious creature in the background with a delightful grin on his face. However, it is not a grin of “be afraid Link, for your life is in danger and your death will bring me pleasure”, but rather a grin of untainted innocence. This can be conjectured based on that he isn’t looking at link with his colorful, lemur-like eyes that give color to this otherwise bleached game. Twilight Princess wouldn’t be nearly as irritating had Link been given a similar disposition. People who want a heavy-hearted teenage angst experience should read The Catcher in the Rye – at least it’s intellectually accepted.
If Twilight Princess has taught me anything, it’s that brand loyalty is the stupidest common consumer theme on the planet. I will never understand how anyone can assume Twilight Princess will be a good game. Too often I have heard complaints of the shortcomings of the two iterations of the series after The Ocarina of Time, to hear that Twilight Princess will return to such awesomeness where the other two fell short. The only two connections between the two games I see are an ugly Link model and a vast expanse of nothing included in the map, the two worst parts of The Ocarina of Time. Majora’s Mask, one of the aforementioned two “shortcomings” added wonderfully innovative gameplay elements included a bustling town that didn’t need prostitutes to appeal, unlike Grand Theft Auto. Unfortunately, Majora’s Mask kept the bland nature of The Ocarina of Time’s visual style. The Wind Waker put the visual style in an appealing way, falling somewhat short in terms of gameplay. The fact that it had pirates and was pleasant to look at was enough for me to have an enjoyable experience, and I held hope for the Zelda to follow it. A merge of Majora’s Mask’s gameplay proficiency and The Wind Waker’s optically stimulating environment would be one of the most wonderful things to happen about anything ever. Needless to say, my dreams were crushed in May 2004 when Twilight Princess was revealed.
GC: Super Monkey Ball 2, Super Mario Sunshine, Eternal Darkness, Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life, Resident Evil: Code Veronica, Donkey Konga, Tales of Symphonia, F Zero GX, Ikaruga, Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour
GBA: Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow, The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap, Mario & Luigi: SuperStar Saga, Final Fight One, Chu Chu Rocket, Lunar Legend, Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance, Mario Golf, Castlevania: Circle of the Moon, Shining Force, Metroid: Zero Mission, Pokemon Pinball: RS, Harvest Moon: Friends of Mineral Town, Fire Emblem, Final Fantasy Tactics
PS2: Silent Hill 3, Frequency, Amplitude, Front Mission 4, Xenosaga, Shadow Hearts: Covenant, Wild Arms 3, Dynasty Tactics, Suikoden III, Street Fighter Anniversary Collection, Grandia Xtreme, Guilty Gear X2, Skygunner, Virtua Fighter 4 Evo,
XBox: Shenmue 2
|Thursday, September 1st, 2005|